Are We Too Busy to Remember Our Loved Ones on Their Yahrzeits?

Parashat Vayetzei Email d’var Torah
Rabbi Aaron Starr

Sometimes I choose my words very—shall we say—diplomatically. This is not one of those times: I am often disappointed on Shabbat or at a daily minyan that, upon hearing the names of the deceased on our shiva, sheloshim, or Yahrzeit lists, so few people attend services to pause in memory, praise and thanksgiving for family who have left the physical world. Thankfully, there is a group of regular minyan-attendees who ensure that these names may be read every day and, as such, we as a community are able to remember. But have we really become so busy as a society that to come to shul three times (evening, morning, evening) in a row one day out of the year (for each loved one) is too onerous?

In our Torah portion this week, Vayetzei, Jacob—in fear for his life after co-opting the birthright from Esau—leaves Beersheva for his mother’s hometown of Charan. There he meets his Uncle Laban, with whom he would spend twenty years, and ultimately marry Laban’s daughters Leah and Rachel. Upon leaving Beersheva we read, “[Jacob] came upon a certain place and stopped there for the night” (Gen. 28:11). Seizing upon the Hebrew word makom (“place”), a rabbinic euphemism for God, our rabbis read this verse as “[Jacob] encountered God that evening.” Midrash Rabbah comes to tell us, then, that our patriarchs instituted the concept of three daily prayers: Abraham shacharit (morning); Isaac mincha (afternoon); and here in our Torah portion, Jacob instituted maariv, the evening prayer service, when he encountered God at night. At each of the transitional periods of the day we give thanks to God for the blessings in our life—those that that occur regularly and naturally, and those that are special and unique to us.

Just last week, on Thanksgiving Day, many of us gave thanks for the incredible blessings in our lives. And if or when asked, most of us probably listed “family” among those blessings for which we are most thankful. It is imperative to give thanks on Thanksgiving, but let us remember to give thanks much more frequently while our loved ones are alive (in their presence!), and let us remember to pause in memory, offering the kaddish’s words of thanksgiving and praise once our family members have left the physical world as well. If you are unsure of your spouse’s/parent’s/child’s Yahrzeit, please give us a call; we’ll be happy to give you the English date for this year. Then, just as Jacob did thousands of years ago, please plan to “encounter God” and say kaddish at our evening services—and morning and afternoon as well.

Rebecca, Caleb and Ayal join me with prayers for a Shabbat shalom umivorach.